On that day, my mom told me about my dad's upcoming surgery on that coming Monday to remove his thyroid and, if needed, the lymph nodes around. I could tell she was trying to be very protective of me in what she said. She knew I'd been stressed out with work recently. In fact, I called her that day with two key stressors in my life - issues at work, and dealing with the emotions of missing my boyfriend as I'd taken him to the airport that morning for a week long trip. So, knowing she was trying to protect me, I kept asking her questions. The big question - How much do they think this is cancer? Her answer - They are not ruling it out. She talked over what all this meant. I'm not sure how much I really heard...other than the dreaded "c" word. I do remember her telling me how they couldn't complete the biopsy due to fear something bad would happen.
Unlike last time my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I let my emotions flow in the present - both through tears and words. I was real and raw with her. I never wanted to go through my dad having cancer again. The first time was hard enough. However, the Lord had us here again. I thought of my dad's first words to me when we went through a family tragedy "This is God's plan and we have to go with it." So, this was the new plan.
After we got off the phone, I cried out to the Lord. In my raw emotions, I shared the wondering question on my mind - Lord, WHY is it every time there seems to be something big happen like this, you have my boyfriend and I at some kind of a distance? Understand, I wasn't expecting an answer. I was just being real where I was in the midst of my struggles. However, immediatley, I sensed the Lord telling me,
"I AM ENOUGH."
The Lord is mighty enough to carry me through this time, and would hold me in His arms. I needed to depend on Him FULLY. He is ENOUGH!
It was a journey of struggles and emotions (some of that got complicated by other situations going on in my life)...
I struggled with fear - the biggest most daunting, make you sick to your stomach fear - that something was going to happen to my dad on the operating table on Monday and he wouldn't make it. I wanted with all my heart to go be in the presence of my dad that weekend, to be there in the hospital, to be there in recovery, to be there when he was dismissed. I needed to be with my dad. I needed to be with my family.
I was needed...or was I? What did God need from me had to become my question, and my prayer of surrender. I felt like a war was going on inside me - go or don't go. Living on an intern income for a year, and now starting a second year, I don't have a lot of money to live on, much less to buy an airplane ticket "on the spot." This was a big struggle for me, because I don't want money to ever stand in the way of my family. My boyfriend and I talked that night, and he encouraged me to pray for a peace from the Lord one way or another that I would know if I was to fly back (Got to LOVE a man who points me to the Lord!!). He reminded me I'd done this 5 months ago when my dad had his mini-stroke, and the Lord was faithful to answer and give me a peace about staying in Denver and being "on call" with my family. I prayed for this peace again. It was answered at 11:37pm when Southwest airline tickets went up. I'm a Southwest girl, I love that airline! I thought I knew their system - when prices went up, went they went down - days, times, etc. For no apparent reason at the oddest time (it's NOT midnight where I am or anywhere in fact) - the prices changed...all of them. And it changed to a price that I could not afford on my little income of an intern at a homeless shelter. At 11:37pm - seeing the prices, I knew. I knew I was staying. I knew my role was to be a prayer warrior.
And so I did. And my dad came through surgery ALIVE!!! Praise the Lord!! They found cancer in his thyroid and in 17 of the 32 lymph nodes they removed. The journey isn't over yet...but it's one I'm on with him, as we join the Lord on this plan He has for my dad's life.
My heart still LONGED to be in the presence of my father. However, I needed to be in the presence of my father - my Heavenly Father - to journey with Him and learn
THE LORD IS E.N.O.U.G.H.!!
