The last post on the struggles - that I originally started in May. Thanks for being patient in my getting these posted!
Again, keep in mind - this is from May...
Hi! My name is Sarah and I am a control freak! :) Yes, I like to be in control of things! I really like to be in control of my life! Oh how this is coming out so much right now! Since October, I have been working at a job that was to only be for a year. When I came into the job, the previous year had been slow for the ministry. However, God has brought about lots of blessings and the ministry has grown! In fact, it has grown so much that the "higher ups" are recognizing something needs to be done, that some changes are required. Well, these changes not only affect the ministry but also my job - which means me! We originally had discussions in March. They asked me some direct questions, I shared my heart. In the end, it was decided a meeting would need to be held between the "high higher ups" of both organizations I work for. Awesome! Sounds good to me! Two months later...um...how about those meetings??? I wait. And wait. Seems to be God thinks I need to learn yet another lesson in patience. Seriously? Ugh.
But I just want these people to meet and to decide...
I think it's fair to feel this way. After all, it is my future here...and to know whether I need to start the process of job searching soon or not. With the job market the way it is, not to mention looking for a ministry position, I need time to find a new job before I'm without a job...and income to pay my basic bills. Oh yes, and since I live where I work...I would be without a place to live.
I struggle with wanting to control things, of wanting to have a meeting with everyone. I also struggle with these "high higher ups" making a decision about the ministry and it affecting me, without them even having the chance to know me or to hear the stories of changed lives through the ministry. You can look at all the numbers you want on a spreadsheet (Which if you do, you will see the numbers have doubled.), but without hearing the heart behind everything - can you make the right decision?
I want to schedule the meeting...with me there to share my heart!
And then I have to realize - who really is in control of all this? Is it me? No. I'm fully aware that God has blessed this ministry, so I need to be fully aware that God is in control of the decisions on the future of the ministry and my job situation!
I need to trust Him...fully...period.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Struggle: Let Down
**It's been a LONG time since I wrote. I started the promised posts...and never got them on here! I want to be a woman of my word, so here is one of the posts I promised on the struggles I was going through as I last blogged about in May.)**
We all experience it - the let down of other people in our life. It's particularly hard when it's people we are close to, or we look up to. For me, one of the hardest areas is people in positions of leadership in ministry. Maybe I put these people on a pedestal. Or maybe it's because God's standards for leaders is higher than those not in leadership, and I wonder did they not take these seriously? Perhaps it's because I'm just grieved at this person's sins and flat out decisions. Whatever the reason, I know it's very hard for me to watch several people and ministry be affected because a person didn't want to fully follow and honor the Lord with all their heart.
In the last few weeks (keep in mind - the month of May), I have had to cope with the let down of a friend who is also in a leadership position in ministry. The decisions she made have affected her ministry, and so many people including me. I find myself questioning aspects of our friendship including just the foundation of our friendship, what I could have done to better reach out to her, and what caused all this to happen that she wasn't wiling to turn the other way? I realize she alone is accountable for her actions, and I can't blame myself. However, it's hard to watch so many people being shaken by the situation. It's hard to watch the whole ministry God had blessed her with take such a great big hit. It's hard to watch her be happy, when there are so many of us in pain and grieving the losses.
For me, it has brought out areas of needing to be healed with my most recent let down of church leadership. Wow. I can't even explain that one still. I do know that my struggle with church I wrote about in my last blog has a lot to do with this situation. I want to corporately worship the Lord, yet do I trust church leadership? How do I know if I can? I wanted to keep myself at a distance from them as well, because being close to them before brought an intense level of pain. I'm thankful for the sweet times with the Lord in the midst of the pain, and for the ways He has drawn me close to Him and healed me. Yet, I find myself realizing now, that perhaps there are ways I'm still impacted and areas that still need healed.
Of course, this whole topic isn't completely new to me. Three months after graduating from seminary, I started my first full-time ministry position. Praise the Lord for this! I loved the ministry opportunities the Lord provided! Over time, some changes were made. In those changes, brought specific events. While the Lord was doing (and continues to do today) great things through the church, there was a situation going on that few knew about. I was in a new town, with the only people I knew all connected to the church. I wasn't going to let people know what was happening because I didn't want to bad mouth the person or the church. However, a friend of mine who lived in another state finally got me to open up...after I had ended up internalizing everything and ending up with several doctors diagnosing my new medical issues as the cause of stress. Within a few weeks, the Lord was leading me to let go of what I wanted to hold onto so badly and resign. Recognizing it wasn't a healthy situation for me, I had to. I spent the next few months intentionally allowing the Lord to heal me. This wasn't an area I had learned about in seminary, not even in my counseling classes. I wasn't prepared for this let down. When people asked why I resigned, I always stated the surface level reason. I never fully explained...only to a handful of people over the years have I told.
It would be really easy to become bitter towards church, towards God, towards these people, and even towards people in leadership roles in ministry. However, I don't want to walk down that ugly road. I know that God has reasons for why all this has happened. I know God still desires to be glorified in the midst. I realize and WANT to allow this hurt in my life to be turned around and used for good, perhaps to minister and encourage those who have and are experiencing the same situation. For me, these are the people who can easily hurt me the most, but I think so much of that has to do with my heart's passion for ministry.
It also leaves me with these big questions - What am I doing today that is hurting those around me? As a person in ministry, how am I hurting those whom God has me directly ministering to? Are there things I'm doing that hurt or let down even those whom I don't directly minister to?
I'm no better than the people in my life I've been hurt by, because I myself can easily hurt others around me, even without realizing it. It's a great reminder to examine my own life, and to make changes in myself so I can better serve the Lord and others. It's also a great picture of the need we have for forgiveness.
We all experience it - the let down of other people in our life. It's particularly hard when it's people we are close to, or we look up to. For me, one of the hardest areas is people in positions of leadership in ministry. Maybe I put these people on a pedestal. Or maybe it's because God's standards for leaders is higher than those not in leadership, and I wonder did they not take these seriously? Perhaps it's because I'm just grieved at this person's sins and flat out decisions. Whatever the reason, I know it's very hard for me to watch several people and ministry be affected because a person didn't want to fully follow and honor the Lord with all their heart.
In the last few weeks (keep in mind - the month of May), I have had to cope with the let down of a friend who is also in a leadership position in ministry. The decisions she made have affected her ministry, and so many people including me. I find myself questioning aspects of our friendship including just the foundation of our friendship, what I could have done to better reach out to her, and what caused all this to happen that she wasn't wiling to turn the other way? I realize she alone is accountable for her actions, and I can't blame myself. However, it's hard to watch so many people being shaken by the situation. It's hard to watch the whole ministry God had blessed her with take such a great big hit. It's hard to watch her be happy, when there are so many of us in pain and grieving the losses.
For me, it has brought out areas of needing to be healed with my most recent let down of church leadership. Wow. I can't even explain that one still. I do know that my struggle with church I wrote about in my last blog has a lot to do with this situation. I want to corporately worship the Lord, yet do I trust church leadership? How do I know if I can? I wanted to keep myself at a distance from them as well, because being close to them before brought an intense level of pain. I'm thankful for the sweet times with the Lord in the midst of the pain, and for the ways He has drawn me close to Him and healed me. Yet, I find myself realizing now, that perhaps there are ways I'm still impacted and areas that still need healed.
Of course, this whole topic isn't completely new to me. Three months after graduating from seminary, I started my first full-time ministry position. Praise the Lord for this! I loved the ministry opportunities the Lord provided! Over time, some changes were made. In those changes, brought specific events. While the Lord was doing (and continues to do today) great things through the church, there was a situation going on that few knew about. I was in a new town, with the only people I knew all connected to the church. I wasn't going to let people know what was happening because I didn't want to bad mouth the person or the church. However, a friend of mine who lived in another state finally got me to open up...after I had ended up internalizing everything and ending up with several doctors diagnosing my new medical issues as the cause of stress. Within a few weeks, the Lord was leading me to let go of what I wanted to hold onto so badly and resign. Recognizing it wasn't a healthy situation for me, I had to. I spent the next few months intentionally allowing the Lord to heal me. This wasn't an area I had learned about in seminary, not even in my counseling classes. I wasn't prepared for this let down. When people asked why I resigned, I always stated the surface level reason. I never fully explained...only to a handful of people over the years have I told.
It would be really easy to become bitter towards church, towards God, towards these people, and even towards people in leadership roles in ministry. However, I don't want to walk down that ugly road. I know that God has reasons for why all this has happened. I know God still desires to be glorified in the midst. I realize and WANT to allow this hurt in my life to be turned around and used for good, perhaps to minister and encourage those who have and are experiencing the same situation. For me, these are the people who can easily hurt me the most, but I think so much of that has to do with my heart's passion for ministry.
It also leaves me with these big questions - What am I doing today that is hurting those around me? As a person in ministry, how am I hurting those whom God has me directly ministering to? Are there things I'm doing that hurt or let down even those whom I don't directly minister to?
I'm no better than the people in my life I've been hurt by, because I myself can easily hurt others around me, even without realizing it. It's a great reminder to examine my own life, and to make changes in myself so I can better serve the Lord and others. It's also a great picture of the need we have for forgiveness.
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