Quietness

There is something to appreciate about quietness.  I used to be a person who struggled being in the quiet.  And for anyone who knows me, I'm quite the talker.  Ask my boyfriend! :)   You know those silent retreats - I always thought I'd go c-r-a-z-y!  In the past few weeks, I've found myself

STARVING -

for quiet.  

Living where I also work is a big challenge right now.  No where, I mean no where, in the entire building can you find quiet at any time day or night.  It has affected my sleep since Christmas, and has even affected my work productivity.  We all know (as is normal for most people), that once sleep is affected, that affect starts spreading like wildfire to other areas of life.  And in the words of one of my four bosses today..."you've been sick all winter."  Hmm...  Connection.  Ding-ding.

This week I've been blessed to dog sit, which means the extra blessing of being in a home.  This week I've also been sick.  I've been relishing in the quietness here.  While the dogs do like to greet anyone passing by (which with the nice weather this week means lots of people walking, biking, etc.), there's still an amazing quiet atmosphere.  It's been great to have noise (TV, music) if I want, and turn it off when I don't want it.  At first, I was frustrated I was sick, yet thankful to be sick while in an actual home.  I've been able to heat up soup and hot tea in the microwave without having to get all dressed and face everyone in the cafe and hall while being sick.  I've been able to actually sleep hard.  In fact, the first day I was here - that is all I did!  I was really sick, but also am really exhausted from a high stress level at work.

I think I forgot what this is like.  Today I attempted to enter back into the world of work.  Great thing - I got to attend a conference!  This afternoon, I came home from the conference and walked into the quietness, and realized it as that - QUIETNESS!!  Wow.  I love it! 

There is so much noise in my life where I live and work - and it's constant.  It makes me think - what other noise is there in my life and what of this is necessary noise and what must go?  How do we get rid of noise that is distracting us from useful stuff?  Sure sleep for me, but what about quietness to hear the Lord's voice, to be able to be "off" from people, or to be able to just relax?  We all have noise in our lives.  How do we find that quietness in our lives?  What steps do we need to take to get that quietness?  What do we need to pray in boldness for the Lord's provision for quietness?

The most challenging questions:

 What do we need to pray for boldness in so that we can 

eliminate the amount of high noise in our 

life - and then what actions must we take?

Humorous Things On My Snowy Commute

What do you do when a snowstorm causes your 11.5 mile commute to turn from 20 minutes to 1 HOUR AND 45 MINUTES???

You laugh and laugh and laugh!!!  I mean, what else do you do?  Get mad because the car in front of you isn't moving?  That would mean the car in front of them needs to move, and the one in front of them...  You get it!  Um...if that was the case, we wouldn't be sitting still!  So, I found things that made me laugh - OUT LOUD (and I'm sure make the people next to me wonder what was so funny)!!!!

So in no particular order, here is my list of "Humorous Things On My Snowy Commute"

1.  Passing a speed limit sign stating 55mph while driving 5 mph.  Um...did the snow temporary block your view of the OTHER 5 on that sign??

2.  California license plates - Really, you should change your plate.  That way we cannot make fun of you when you don't know how to drive in this weather!  Perhaps the BMV in Colorado needs to require drivers from California and Texas to take a class on how to drive in "this white stuff" (We call it snow here!).

3.  A DJ saying "It's a 2.5 hour commute from Castle Rock to downtown."  The other DJ commenting on those poor drivers and that area of the road.  Then, the first DJ saying "Oh just wait...it's 1.5 hours from the Denver Tech Center to downtown."  The other DJ literally gasped.  

4.  The snow is covering the road - so why not make the shoulder become another lane!!

5.  When our roads can hardly handle the extra traffic these past few days with the National Western Stock Show...well you can just imagine how it is in the snow!  And who thinks our roads can handle hosting a Winter Olympics in the area?  Really people?  Thanks for the good laugh! You should think on this!

6.  The DJ saying "You should take I-25 South to I-70 which is still really bad and slow but you will want to avoid I-270 as it is a parking lot.  Um...why didn't you say this before I was trapped on the entrance ramp to 270?  Timing is everything!

7.  The DJ's on the radio saying "It's still really slow out there on the roads." I start laughing,  then they start laughing, and say "Like we have to say that to those of you sitting in your car right now."  Yeah, thanks! :)

8.  Stop...wait...go...Stop...wait...go...Stop...wait...go.  Enough to make anyone go crazy and laugh their head off!

9.  Wondering why the road was suddenly bumpy, and looking down to see the "tiny mountains of ice" I was driving on.  Nice!

10.  No matter what - there are still those people who will drive up to the exact "lanes merged" area and cut into the lane...as if they didn't see the signs posted "left lane ends."

11.  The police car drives in the shoulder to provide a way for the chemical semi who needs to spray the icy bridges/areas ahead...but is stuck in the gridlock.  Behind the semi - a car!  Why not, I mean the police car is ahead of you!

E.N.O.U.G.H.

It's hard to believe it's only been 5 weeks since I felt like my world came to a really difficult place.  Yet in retrospect, it came to a place where I would experience the Lord's presence and faithfulness in a new way. 

On that day, my mom told me about my dad's upcoming surgery on that coming Monday to remove his thyroid and, if needed, the lymph nodes around.  I could tell she was trying to be very protective of me in what she said.  She knew I'd been stressed out with work recently.  In fact, I called her that day with two key stressors in my life - issues at work, and dealing with the emotions of missing my boyfriend as I'd taken him to the airport that morning for a week long trip.  So, knowing she was trying to protect me, I kept asking her questions.  The big question - How much do they think this is cancer?  Her answer - They are not ruling it out.  She talked over what all this meant.  I'm not sure how much I really heard...other than the dreaded "c" word.  I do remember her telling me how they couldn't complete the biopsy due to fear something bad would happen.

Unlike last time my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I let my emotions flow in the present - both through tears and words.  I was real and raw with her.  I never wanted to go through my dad having cancer again.  The first time was hard enough.  However, the Lord had us here again.  I thought of my dad's first words to me when we went through a family tragedy "This is God's plan and we have to go with it."  So, this was the new plan. 

After we got off the phone, I cried out to the Lord.  In my raw emotions, I shared the wondering question on my mind - Lord, WHY is it every time there seems to be something big happen like this, you have my boyfriend and I at some kind of a distance?  Understand, I wasn't expecting an answer.  I was just being real where I was in the midst of my struggles.  However, immediatley, I sensed the Lord telling me,

"I AM ENOUGH." 

The Lord is mighty enough to carry me through this time, and would hold me in His arms.  I needed to depend on Him FULLY.   He is ENOUGH! 

It was a journey of struggles and emotions (some of that got complicated by other situations going on in my life)...

I struggled with fear - the biggest most daunting, make you sick to your stomach fear - that something was going to happen to my dad on the operating table on Monday and he wouldn't make it.  I wanted with all my heart to go be in the presence of my dad that weekend, to be there in the hospital, to be there in recovery, to be there when he was dismissed.  I needed to be with my dad.  I needed to be with my family. 

I was needed...or was I?  What did God need from me had to become my question, and my prayer of surrender.  I felt like a war was going on inside me - go or don't go.  Living on an intern income for a year, and now starting a second year, I don't have a lot of money to live on, much less to buy an airplane ticket "on the spot."  This was a big struggle for me, because I don't want money to ever stand in the way of my family.  My boyfriend and I talked that night, and he encouraged me to pray for a peace from the Lord one way or another that I would know if I was to fly back (Got to LOVE a man who points me to the Lord!!).  He reminded me I'd done this 5 months ago when my dad had his mini-stroke, and the Lord was faithful to answer and give me a peace about staying in Denver and being "on call" with my family.  I prayed for this peace again.  It was answered at 11:37pm when Southwest airline tickets went up.  I'm a Southwest girl, I love that airline!  I thought I knew their system - when prices went up, went they went down - days, times, etc.  For no apparent reason at the oddest time (it's NOT midnight where I am or anywhere in fact) - the prices changed...all of them.  And it changed to a price that I could not afford on my little income of an intern at a homeless shelter.  At 11:37pm - seeing the prices, I knew.  I knew I was staying.  I knew my role was to be a prayer warrior.

And so I did.  And my dad came through surgery ALIVE!!!  Praise the Lord!!  They found cancer in his thyroid and in 17 of the 32 lymph nodes they removed.  The journey isn't over yet...but it's one I'm on with him, as we join the Lord on this plan He has for my dad's life.

My heart still LONGED to be in the presence of my father.  However, I needed to be in the presence of my father - my Heavenly Father - to journey with Him and learn

THE LORD IS E.N.O.U.G.H.!!

One Year

Today marks one year of working for Denver Rescue Mission and Save Our Youth!  It's been quite the journey these past 365 days.  I remember the morning of day two, waking up and thinking one day down, only 364 days left.  At some point I stopped counting.  And then at some point, I started counting how many weeks left - knowing I had a year contract and not knowing what was going to happen at the end of the year with me or with the youth mentoring.

I want to thank the MANY people who have prayed, encouraged, supported, cared for, laughed, cried, listened, shared wisdom, walked beside me as I grew, were patient even when I didn't deserve it, forgave, loved, ... and probably many other things I can't even think of!  To those select people (you know who you are) that helped me and let me cry on the phone with them in the first three months - a very special thank you!

Here is my top ten list of highlights of my job:

10.  Being back in professional ministry
9.  Falling in love with my job, and finding myself wanting to (rightly) fight for the mentors, mentees, and the job position itself (even in the messy times).
8.  Learning all about boundaries - a MUST when you work AND live in the same place...though I still have a lot to learn!
7.  Learning to become my own advocate
6.  Watching the youth mentoring explode
5.  Being blessed with incredible mentors who love our at-risk (and sometimes difficult to love) kiddos!
4.  Being asked over and over and over - "Miss Sarah when am I going to get my mentor?"  All because these kids are EXCITED to have a mentor and WANT a positive influence in their life! And then I get to match them - all because God provided the exact mentor for them!!
3.  Having supervisors who are proactive at caring for you in preventing burnout
2.  Learning to live simply - required when you are living on an intern income and still have bills to pay!
1.  Meeting great people, especially my boyfriend (who also works for DRM)!! :)


It's not been the easiest, walk in the park, piece of cake year!  It has been a year of extreme growth in many ways!  I'm so thankful the Lord has brought me to Denver!  It was a huge step of faith, but one I'm glad I took!

I celebrated today with my Save Our Youth family by sharing donuts - thanking God for the wonderful blessing of my job, and the many blessings of lessons, friendships, and deeper faith in this one year!

Struggle: Control

The last post on the struggles - that I originally started in May.  Thanks for being patient in my getting these posted!


Again, keep in mind - this is from May...


Hi!  My name is Sarah and I am a control freak!  :)  Yes, I like to be in control of things!  I really like to be in control of my life!  Oh how this is coming out so much right now!  Since October, I have been working at a job that was to only be for a year.  When I came into the job, the previous year had been slow for the ministry.  However, God has brought about lots of blessings and the ministry has grown!  In fact, it has grown so much that the "higher ups" are recognizing something needs to be done, that some changes are required.  Well, these changes not only affect the ministry but also my job - which means me!  We originally had discussions in March.  They asked me some direct questions, I shared my heart.  In the end, it was decided a meeting would need to be held between the "high higher ups" of both organizations I work for.  Awesome!  Sounds good to me!  Two months later...um...how about those meetings???  I wait.  And wait.  Seems to be God thinks I need to learn yet another lesson in patience.  Seriously?  Ugh. 


But I just want these people to meet and to decide...


I think it's fair to feel this way.  After all, it is my future here...and to know whether I need to start the process of job searching soon or not.  With the job market the way it is, not to mention looking for a ministry position, I need time to find a new job before I'm without a job...and income to pay my basic bills.  Oh yes, and since I live where I work...I would be without a place to live.  


I struggle with wanting to control things, of wanting to have a meeting with everyone.  I also struggle with these "high higher ups" making a decision about the ministry and it affecting me, without them even having the chance to know me or to hear the stories of changed lives through the ministry. You can look at all the numbers you want on a spreadsheet (Which if you do, you will see the numbers have doubled.), but without hearing the heart behind everything - can you make the right decision?  


I want to schedule the meeting...with me there to share my heart!


And then I have to realize - who really is in control of all this?  Is it me?  No.  I'm fully aware that God has blessed this ministry, so I need to be fully aware that God is in control of the decisions on the future of the ministry and my job situation!  


I need to trust Him...fully...period.

Struggle: Let Down

**It's been a LONG time since I wrote.  I started the promised posts...and never got them on here!  I want to be a woman of my word, so here is one of the posts I promised on the struggles I was going through as I last blogged about in May.)**


We all experience it - the let down of other people in our life.  It's particularly hard when it's people we are close to, or we look up to.  For me, one of the hardest areas is people in positions of leadership in ministry.  Maybe I put these people on a pedestal.  Or maybe it's because God's standards for leaders is higher than those not in leadership, and I wonder did they not take these seriously?  Perhaps it's because I'm just grieved at this person's sins and flat out decisions.  Whatever the reason, I know it's very hard for me to watch several people and ministry be affected because a person didn't want to fully follow and honor the Lord with all their heart.


In the last few weeks (keep in mind - the month of May), I have had to cope with the let down of a friend who is also in a leadership position in ministry.  The decisions she made have affected her ministry, and so many people including me.  I find myself questioning aspects of our friendship including just the foundation of our friendship, what I could have done to better reach out to her, and what caused all this to happen that she wasn't wiling to turn the other way?  I realize she alone is accountable for her actions, and I can't blame myself.  However, it's hard to watch so many people being shaken by the situation.  It's hard to watch the whole ministry God had blessed her with take such a great big hit.  It's hard to watch her be happy, when there are so many of us in pain and grieving the losses.


For me, it has brought out areas of needing to be healed with my most recent let down of church leadership.  Wow.  I can't even explain that one still.  I do know that my struggle with church I wrote about in my last blog has a lot to do with this situation.  I want to corporately worship the Lord, yet do I trust church leadership?  How do I know if I can?  I wanted to keep myself at a distance from them as well, because being close to them before brought an intense level of pain.  I'm thankful for the sweet times with the Lord in the midst of the pain, and for the ways He has drawn me close to Him and healed me. Yet, I find myself realizing now, that perhaps there are ways I'm still impacted and areas that still need healed.


Of course, this whole topic isn't completely new to me.  Three months after graduating from seminary, I started my first full-time ministry position.  Praise the Lord for this!  I loved the ministry opportunities the Lord provided!  Over time, some changes were made.  In those changes, brought specific events. While the Lord was doing (and continues to do today) great things through the church, there was a situation going on that few knew about.  I was in a new town, with the only people I knew all connected to the church.  I wasn't going to let people know what was happening because I didn't want to bad mouth the person or the church.  However, a friend of mine who lived in another state finally got me to open up...after I had ended up internalizing everything and ending up with several doctors diagnosing my new medical issues as the cause of stress.  Within a few weeks, the Lord was leading me to let go of what I wanted to hold onto so badly and resign.  Recognizing it wasn't a healthy situation for me, I had to.  I spent the next few months intentionally allowing the Lord to heal me.  This wasn't an area I had learned about in seminary, not even in my counseling classes.  I wasn't prepared for this let down.  When people asked why I resigned, I always stated the surface level reason.  I never fully explained...only to a handful of people over the years have I told.


It would be really easy to become bitter towards church, towards God, towards these people, and even towards people in leadership roles in ministry.  However, I don't want to walk down that ugly road.  I know that God has reasons for why all this has happened. I know God still desires to be glorified in the midst.  I realize and WANT to allow this hurt in my life to be turned around and used for good, perhaps to minister and encourage those who have and are experiencing the same situation.  For me, these are the people who can easily hurt me the most, but I think so much of that has to do with my heart's passion for ministry.  


It also leaves me with these big questions - What am I doing today that is hurting those around me?  As a person in ministry, how am I hurting those whom God has me directly ministering to?  Are there things I'm doing that hurt or let down even those whom I don't directly minister to?  


I'm no better than the people in my life I've been hurt by, because I myself can easily hurt others around me, even without realizing it.  It's a great reminder to examine my own life, and to make changes in myself so I can better serve the Lord and others.  It's also a great picture of the need we have for forgiveness.

Struggle: Church

It's been a LONG time since I wrote.  I started the promised posts...and never got them on here!  I want to be a woman of my word, so here is one of the posts I promised on the struggles I was going through as I last blogged about in May.)


Written in May:
My biggest struggle right now is church.  It's hard to even write that sentence or admit it to anyone, even myself.  In my attempt to figure out why I have this struggle, this is what I have found:

1.)  For the first time in 31 years, I don't know the pastors at my church.  In fact, I don't know anyone on staff at the church.

2.)  I am not plugged in at my church, aside from a small group.  If it wasn't for my small group, I would feel even more lost and disconnected from the church.

3.)  I have a passion for ministry and gifts, and they aren't being used at church.  I have tried for months to get connected...with no result back from the church.

4.)  Other than three family members I go to church with, I don't know anyone. (Most of my small group goes to the evening service.)

5.)  I found that due to my small intern stipend combined with increased gas prices, I was running out of gas money in my budget to even get to church.  This got complicated when my car was broken and not drivable.  When I looked up public transportation to get to church, I would need to leave on Saturday afternoon, arriving late Saturday afternoon and have to camp out on the church property, just so I could get to a Sunday morning service.  Even to get to my cousin's house so I could ride with them, brought complications with public transportation.  This also meant that in order to get more involved at church would mean driving more, which meant more gas money needed in the budget, which I didn't have.

6.)  Reflecting back, I realize when I first moved, that I allowed myself to make decisions based on the fact I would only be here for a year.  My job is only for a year, and who knows after that time, where I will be living and working.

7.)  I love the Lord, I want to worship the Lord corporately, I want to grow in my faith, I desire to serve the Lord and others in the context of the church.

All of this left me going before the Lord in prayer, seeking Him in the midst of this struggle and wondering...where is God leading me on the path in this journey?