Realness

Lets face it – we all want to be understood, for people to get us, to not be put in a box, to not be judged, etc.  If we want this, it seems a simple solution would be to give people the chance to know us.  However, this means taking a risk and being real.  It means be authentic with those around us, willing to take off the “mask.”

What does it mean to be real?  Perhaps it means I embrace exactly how God created me and embrace what is going on in my life – both good and bad, that I don’t hide.  I think it also means being completely real with those close “core” friends and family, but also my being real with those God has put around me.  In other words, if someone asks how I’m doing and it’s not been a great day – I tell them it’s not been a great day rather than tell them I’m good.  It means sharing what God is doing in my life, even if I’m in the midst of a stormy time.

About a year ago, this topic was heavy on my heart and mind.  There had been a situation with close friends where I questioned – were people real with each other?  I didn’t know if they were and didn’t know if they hadn’t been.  I just knew these friends were hurting and had been and yet questioned where had I missed the signs they had been struggling.  I dealt with feelings of guilt, thinking I hadn’t been a good friend because I’d missed all the warning signs of people not doing well.  It was a deep rooted question I was struggling with as an outcome of the situation. 

I feel one of the best places we hide is at church and within the church body.  I’ve done it.  I question if we as a church were real with one another, would situations like we encountered last year have happened?  Why do we feel we have to “have it all together” when we enter the doors of the church building for any reason?  After all, God knows we don’t have it all together.  Oh, and just for the record – every one of us is a sinner.  I still can’t help but have the “what if” we as a church felt the Body of Christ was a safe place to be real in…would things have been different?  What does the church body do if we don’t say life is going awesome and we are struggling with something?  Why is there this “we have to be perfect” mentality within the body of believers?  Do we really get that we aren’t perfect – ONLY God is! 

In the past few days, I’ve been struggling with feelings of being betrayed and lied to…by someone I was friends with for the past several months.  She is a sister in Christ, we’ve served the Lord together, we’ve cried and celebrated together.  But then…I find out a big secret of life.  In that secret comes the feelings of being betrayed and lied to, and now our friendship and even the community around us are broken.  My heart is broken, my heart grieves in so many ways.  I find myself again wondering – what if this friend had been real?  Would that have changed the situation, no.  However, it would have not had the shattered effect on the friendship or community that it seems to have now.  While God can heal and restore, I do believe it could’ve been prevented…in many ways.

I find myself again facing the question – what does it mean to be real?  How does that look?  I can’t change the church, I can’t change the world, but I can change myself.  I can model how the Lord wants me to be real with those around me. 

About a week and a half ago, I was real with a group of close friends.  After that time, some of these friends shared words of encouragement but also words of realness in their own life.  A bond that I felt was missing something was found again being tightened.  The distance I felt, had been removed by this mutual sharing and bonding and creating a deeper friendship.  It’s a risk, but one I’m glad I took!

Learning to be real in the good times of life is easy.  It’s being real in the tough times of life that is a lesson for me, and a journey I’m on.  Tonight my boyfriend and I were planning to have dinner with two close friends of mine and people who I’m blessed God has put into my life.  Having had a rough week (or almost two weeks now), a part of me wanted to cancel our dinner.  I wanted to hide – from all three people.  I wanted to just be alone.  However, I knew I needed to go and be honest, even if it meant crying (or even sobbing) with the fact I’m not in a good spot.  It was refreshing to share, to cry, to be honest, to be asked questions, to hear perspectives other than my own, to be accepted despite not having it all together, to be loved unconditionally, to be able to crash and yet have friends who were my crash pads, and in the midst of our conversation they continaully point me to the Lord. 

It’s a journey – of being real despite the struggles.  And so, I’m devoting the next few blogs to sharing those struggles.  My heart’s desire and prayer is that even one person will be encouraged to know they are not alone (or weird, or wrong), and that God will be able to use my story to minister to others in ways I couldn’t do but through this blog.

Mother's Day Surprise!

On Mother's Day, I got quite the nice surprise from my church (www.redrockschurch.com)!  I wanted to share a picture of the special gift and share a little why it meant SO MUCH!

The children's ministry gave all their volunteers a rose for mother's day - whether they are mothers or want to some day be mothers.  The Children's Ministry Director even told us single ladies - "Happy Future Mother's Day!"  

I've been struggling with "church."  There's a lot behind that one sentence, but I'll just mention as it relates to this blog, I've been struggling with feeling connected or belonging to my church.  This has led me to questioning if I should stay or look for a new church.  There are may reasons why I feel this way.  

However, on this particular Sunday it seemed God had the answer to my many prayers.  Earlier in the week, my church had sent the weekly email, including announcements.  One announcement was asking for volunteers to give moms a day off of serving in the Preschool Room.  So, I decided I'd volunteer.  After all, I really miss spending time with little kids (I work with kids ages 3-18), and had free time that day since I wouldn't be with my mom celebrating (other than a phone call).  I *SUPER* enjoyed the day in the 1 year old room!!!  Sure, every kid cried at some point in the morning.  There were runny noses, and a dirty diaper.  I had a kid who cried every two minutes and didn't want to leave my side.  I would get him calmed down and playing, then two minutes later would realize where he was and start crying...and so our process of calming down and playing would start over...and continue until his dad came to get the poor kid.  Such is the life of a 1 year old!  I loved every minute of it!  It was great to actually serve in my church somehow!   

A special extra bonus was a church who celebrates Mothers Day by even making hopeful future mothers feel special too!  I've never experienced this in my life.  In recent years, Mother's Day has been a really hard day for me.  This year was a first, a day of complete happiness and contentment.  It was a day of celebrating! 

To the mom whose place I took in the one year old room:  THANK YOU!  You may think you were blessed by having the day off, but I just want to say thank you for the opportunity to be blessed by serving at Red Rocks and with these cute kiddos!  

Miracles

How often do I miss opportunities God wants to BLESS my socks off, all because I don't prayerfully ask the Lord?

Leaving a job that had good health insurance (benefits of working at a hospital) for an internship that has no health insurance, nor an income that would allow money in the budget to go to the doctor was a struggle of mine.  Over the past seven years, I racked up quite a large amount of medical bills.  As I struggled with this factor before even applying for the job (and even after), I knew the Lord was asking me to TRUST HIM.  It would require A STEP OF FAITH, and to watch GOD PROVIDE in ways I wouldn't even imagine.  I felt more like it was a LEAP of faith.  It's kind of like jumping off a cliff.  It involved risk. It involved me not having control, or knowing what the plan would be "just in case."

After being sick the past two and a half weeks, I realized how sick I really was.  While my voice was back somewhat (I lost it completely for two days), I could tell I wasn't getting any better.  I also was only sleeping about 3 hours a night because I was up coughing so much.  I knew something needed to be done.  BUT WHAT WAS I TO DO??  I had no idea where to find a doctor whom wouldn't mind I don't have health insurance, much less where to even start finding a doctor in the big city.  Of course, HOW was I going to pay for the doctor when my intern stipend is barely able to cover my fixed expenses?  I PRAYED AND PRAYED HARD and prayed for the Lord's help to not worry about the finances.  The Lord brought two people to me - one offering help financially and info on their doctor office and the other offering a doctor office who works on a sliding scale with people without health insurance.  I was ready to call both places...until...I sensed I needed to call my doctor office in my old town and see if there was anything they could do for me.  I didn't want to take advantage of anything, but knew I needed help and I needed to ask for help.  This is HARD for me to do!  I called the next morning and talked with the nurse.  After talking to the doctor, she called me to say while they suggest I find a doctor in the area for the future, they would call in a prescription for a ZPack!  PRAISE THE LORD!  I was so excited that I wouldn't have to pay to go to the doctor office, that was a huge financial help!  MIRACLE #1!!!

Of course, now I would have to pay for the prescription.  I reminded myself that at least I didn't have to pay for the doctor, so I could breathe a little!  I still struggled though.  I sensed the Lord telling me, "PRAY FOR A MIRACLE at the Target pharmacy."  My response?  I questioned - "Seriously, a miracle at the pharmacy?  It's not like Target runs prescription specials in their weekly ad."  "Pray for a miracle at the Target pharmacy."  However, I had no reason not to, so I did, while also wondering what kind of miracle would occur.  I prayed all afternoon!  I even posted on facebook that I was praying for a miracle at the Target Pharmacy!  I got to Target to pick up the prescription and was asked if I had health insurance.  I told him no and braced myself for what was to come, thinking it would be a high total of around $80 (I have a vague memory of paying that much for a ZPack before.).  The pharmacist told me to hold on a minute, he would put me in a financial program that would help save me at least a few pennies in my pocket.  Our conversation turned to an opportunity to share about my internship.  He came back to the counter with the new printout, and proceeded to tell me "It was $29.49 but after putting you in that program, the cost is now $14.30!  Um....wh-what???  I was so shocked!  After paying and turning around to leave, I had tears wanting to form in my eyes.  I can't tell you the LOVE OF THE LORD I felt in that moment...words still aren't found to describe what it was like.  I wanted to sit and cry in amazement, and just soak in the moment.  I also wanted to cry, knowing that in my hands I held a hope that I would soon be feeling better.  It's been a long road of feeling sick, having absolutely no energy, and yet trying my best to continue working and meeting all the needs with of job and even working over 40 hours each of the past two weeks.  I chose not to cry, though.  Besides having a work appointment I needed to get to and keep my composure for, I honestly also didn't have an ounce of energy to spend on crying.  I was just in complete shock that the final cost was something that somehow, in some way would be more manageable financially!  I was in shock, at the Lord's great work right there at the Target Pharmacy!  MIRACLE #2!!!

Do I realize how GREAT God really is?

My New Look!

I finally did something I’ve wanted to do for a long time!!!

My new look!

Yes, I pierced my nose! 

For some people this makes them excited, others it comes as a shock, there are those whom aren’t surprised, and for others I know they will not be happy with me.  There seems to be a question some people have (for whatever reason) – WHY?  Well, thanks for asking!  Please let me share!

My entire life, I have spent a lot of time, energy, and emotion into doing what others want, trying to live up to their expectations, or even living in fear of what others would think about me/say/etc.  It’s been just over a year of trying to break this habit or issue.  My heart desires to live my life according to what the Lord wants for me. It’s a journey, and one that days I feel I’ve made steps of progress, while others I’ll see how much of a battle it still is.

For some reason there has been a stereotype or judgment on girls who pierce their nose.  I was ready to break that, or maybe a better way is to say ready to bridge the gap.  I wanted to let people know that just because a girl has her nose pierced doesn’t mean she doesn’t love the Lord!

I also wanted it to be a remembrance to people (including myself) that there is so much more to a person than what we see on the outside, or even perceive to be on their inside.  So many people view me as “the innocent girl.”  Don’t get me wrong, there’s something good about being known as innocent.  However, I also feel there is more to me than just that.  I have a story…we all do.  However, do we take the time to get to know a person, to truly know a person…or do we just put them in the box of how we want them to be for us and leave it at that?  If we do get to know them, do we judge them by what they tell us or what they’ve done…or do we love them as Christ loves them and commands us to do as well? 

I realize some people reading this might think that if I really didn’t care what others thought, I wouldn’t be writing this.  In actuality, I wanted to answer the resounding “WHY” question and to share the journey God has me on.  It’s a journey, but one I will take with my nose now pierced and glad it is because…well I think it looks cute!


Here are some more pictures of the evening:

It didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would!

Yes, I kept my eyes closed the whole time!

"A-MAZING Retreat"

Sometimes living where you work can have some DEFINITE advantages.  The biggest advantage is being able to get to know the families (especially the children) in a different way.  There’s also the obvious ones of not having to get up as early, cuts down on the fuel budget, if you forget something you just run back down the hall, and of course not having to deal with traffic or weather issues!   There is also the community that comes with living with other interns, that otherwise we’d miss out on!  These are just a few advantages.

However, sometimes there are disadvantages to living where you work.  You might find us interns saying “I can’t go anywhere and be by myself.”  Or lately, you might find me wanting to change my name instantaneously because I don’t want to work or answer questions while I’m eating dinner with the families, or trying to use the computer after hours, or trying to get out the door to go somewhere.   My least favorite disadvantage is not being able to cook, or eat things I’d prefer.  Sometimes in fact, I look at salad and just feel sick of being offered salad every meal.  I also miss having a couch to sit on.  I have yet to find one in the entire building.

A few weeks ago, I hit a “spot.”  I started to feel trapped in my home, like I was in this box that was shrinking.  I missed cooking, baking/cooking for others, having a yard to mow, a house to clean, being able to rearrange furniture, or even having a couch to sit on.  While I was in this “spot,” I also was able to learn a lot, and question a lot about how God created me, the gifts He’s blessed me with, and how those can be used in both negative and positive ways.

And then…my friends J&J called to ask if I could house/fish sit for them!  They wanted to know if I wanted a little retreat for the weekend at their house.  Um, hello of course I do!!  Fantastic!  What’s interesting, they didn’t even know the struggles I was having of being in “the spot.”  What a blessing to see God’s love as He met me in the midst of my struggles through my good friends!

So, I went to their apartment two weekends ago, and had an A-MAZING time!   Here’s a recap:

Friday night I watched McCleod's Daughters (http://mcleodsdaughters.ninemsn.com.au/) while sitting on a couch.  I also baked muffins to take the next morning for the kiddos at work.  

Yes, I had to go to work Saturday morning, but it was only for 2 hours for Kids Rec!  What a joy to bake for others, and especially for my kids!  They enjoyed the muffins!

(The Bronco Youth Center @ The Crossing)

That afternoon I went grocery shopping...

(You can see a glimpse of the Turbo swimming in his bowl in this pic too!)

I went for a bike ride, with the added bonus of looking at the mountains...

It actually rained, and so I danced in it...

(Notice the wetness on the metal - YES that is from RAIN!  I miss the rain!)

I enjoyed making dinner of a yummy salad of things I really like and my own salad dressing...

Courtesy of my old roomie/good friend's wisdom, I enjoyed a great snack while watching movies...

My yummy breakfast (That I didn't have to wake up early for!)...

(Along with drinking from a mug & glass of two of my favorite places!)

Of course, I also read a lot...

I worked on knitting projects throughout the whole weekend...

Best of all, I enjoyed COMPLETE SILENCE!!!  

By the time my extended weekend (thanks to President's Day) was over, I was ready to go back to The Crossing, both to live and work. 

Thank you so much to my good friends J&J for the wonderful weekend retreat!  Words cannot express how much I am grateful for the time away at your place!  Thank you for helping make "The A-MAZING Retreat" possible! 

God's Love

I’ve recently been praying for clear direction on God’s plan on some things, and praying my desires and plans would be removed.   Through this time, I admit I’ve questioned how to discern the Lord’s presence or leading in my life.  I don’t know if I can even put into words what I mean by that…but let me share a story of how God answered these prayers in a big way…

Some of my friends call me “Martha” because I LOVE being domestic, especially cooking and baking!  I knew going into my job, that for the year I wouldn’t have a kitchen to cook or bake.   There is a toaster, microwave, and toaster oven in the cafeteria that residents (and us interns) can use.  I’m amazed at some creations people have used the toaster oven for, and really wanted to try to learn.  However, I kind of forgot about the toaster oven and wanting to bake in it, mainly because on an interns income (or lack thereof) buying a toaster oven pan was not a higher priority than necessities like shampoo.  So, I’m learning to be content, and grateful for the cafeteria food.   However, I’ve been having a REALLY HARD time lately not being able to cook or bake.  I find myself longing for a kitchen! 

Well, last weekend my cousin wanted to take me and my 2^nd cousin’s girlfriend shopping.  We went to a mall with Crate and Barrel, my favorite store!  I know Crate and Barrel is at this mall, but didn’t think anything about it….until we were near the store and I just sensed I needed to go in. 

Now, let me take a moment to explain that two weeks before, after church I passed by a Pier One, another store I really like (the merchandise but not the prices!).  I haven’t been to Pier One for a REALLY long time, so I thought I’d stop by and take it in (not buy anything) as I had time to kill.  As I pulled into the parking lot, I could hear Pastor Shawn’s words during the sermon “Flee Temptation.”   Oh, but really…I was going to leave my purse in the car and just look.  “FLEE TEMPTATION” came again.  So, I did a u-turn in the parking lot and drove away from temptation.

However, this day God had a different plan and purpose.

So back, to Crate and Barrel.  I asked if they minded if we went to Crate and Barrel real fast.  You have to realize though, I had NO reason to go in that store.  For those who’ve never been, C&B sells home stuff.  I have NO NEED for any of that stuff right now, nor anywhere to store it…much less money (again shampoo ranks higher).  However, I really sensed I should go.  As we walked toward the store, I remember a passing thought of “I wonder if they’ll have anything for a toaster oven."

The three of us went in the store, and walked around looking at a few items.  I remember asking if we could go to the back area of the store, but I really had no idea why.  All of a sudden, I had this idea that I should buy something for myself for Valentine’s Day (which by the way, I don’t even like V-day but that’s a whole different topic).  Not that I have to have something tangible to look at to know God loves me, but I wanted something I could look at and be reminded of God’s extreme love for me in a BIG way.  I wanted it to be practical.  My cousin laughed as I headed straight for the kitchen section!  Of course, because that is ME!  I picked out a small cutting board, one thing we could use in our room (cutting things in your hand is a little tricky!).  Just then, an employee walked by and I found myself asking if they had any dishes that could be used in a toaster oven.  I don't even know where the idea came from.  She took me to the porcelain dishes, and showed me a few that could work.  All of a sudden, she told me they also have a toaster oven set, and it’s on sale (bonus!).  We walked over to another area, and there it was – 

SWEET!!!!  It’s a Toaster Oven set with a cooling rack, cookie sheet, brownie cake pan, and cupcake pan (which was the decision maker for me because I love making cupcakes)!!!!

(Easter cupcakes I made last year.)

To top it off, it was on sale for a price I could manage!!  I was so excited!!!  I felt like I could run 10 miles, I was so happy!!  Now I can be more of who I am, who God created me to be!  I can now cook and bake!  I can have some sanity back for the next 7 months while still living at The Crossing! 

I realized I was able to sense the Lord’s leading in multiple ways, His provision in helping me be who He created me to be, and His love pouring out to me!  More than that, I now see, I just need to relax, trust God knows what I need and when, and He will direct…I just need to be ready and continue to walk in faith and obedience!

Who Am I?

IN CHRIST

I AM ACCEPTED:

I am God’s child. (John 1:12)

I am Christ’s friend. (John 15:15)

I have been justified. (Romans 5:1)

I am united with the Lord, and I am one spirit with Him. (I Corinthians 6:17)

I have been bought with a price.  I belong to God.  (I Corinthians 6:19, 20)

I am a member of Christ’s body. (I Corinthians 12:27)

I am a saint.  (Ephesians 1:1)

I have been adopted as God’s child. (Ephesians 1:5)

I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit.  (Ephesians 2:18)

I have been redeemed and forgive of all my sins.  (Colossians 1:14)

I am complete in Christ.  (Colossians 2:10)

I AM SECURE:

I am free forever from condemnation. (Romans 8:1,2)

I am assured that all things work together for good.  (Romans 8:28)

I am free from any condemning charges against me.  (Romans 8:31f)

I cannot be separated from the love of God.  (Romans 8:35f)

I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. (2 Corinthians 1:21, 22)

I am hidden with Christ in God.  (Colossians 3:3)

I am confidant that the good work that God has begun in me will be perfected.

(Philippians 1:6)               

I am a citizen of heaven.  (Philippians 3:20)

I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. 

              (2 Timothy 1:7)

I can find grace and mercy in time of need.  (Hebrews 4:16)

I am born of God, and the evil one cannot teach me.  (1 John 5:18)

I AM SIGNIFICANT:

I am the salt and light of the earth.  (Matthew 5:13, 14)

I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life.  (John 15:1, 5)

I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.  (John 15:16)

I am a personal witness of Christ’s.  (Acts 1:8)

I am God’s temple.  (1 Corinthians 3:16)

I am a minister of reconciliation for God.  (2 Corinthians 5:17f)

I am God’s coworker.  (1 Corinthians 3:9, 2 Corinthians 6:1)

I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm.  (Ephesians 2:6)

I am God’s workmanship.  (Ephesians 2:10)

I may approach God with freedom and confidence.  (Ephesians 3:12)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  (Philippians 4:13)