E.N.O.U.G.H.

It's hard to believe it's only been 5 weeks since I felt like my world came to a really difficult place.  Yet in retrospect, it came to a place where I would experience the Lord's presence and faithfulness in a new way. 

On that day, my mom told me about my dad's upcoming surgery on that coming Monday to remove his thyroid and, if needed, the lymph nodes around.  I could tell she was trying to be very protective of me in what she said.  She knew I'd been stressed out with work recently.  In fact, I called her that day with two key stressors in my life - issues at work, and dealing with the emotions of missing my boyfriend as I'd taken him to the airport that morning for a week long trip.  So, knowing she was trying to protect me, I kept asking her questions.  The big question - How much do they think this is cancer?  Her answer - They are not ruling it out.  She talked over what all this meant.  I'm not sure how much I really heard...other than the dreaded "c" word.  I do remember her telling me how they couldn't complete the biopsy due to fear something bad would happen.

Unlike last time my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I let my emotions flow in the present - both through tears and words.  I was real and raw with her.  I never wanted to go through my dad having cancer again.  The first time was hard enough.  However, the Lord had us here again.  I thought of my dad's first words to me when we went through a family tragedy "This is God's plan and we have to go with it."  So, this was the new plan. 

After we got off the phone, I cried out to the Lord.  In my raw emotions, I shared the wondering question on my mind - Lord, WHY is it every time there seems to be something big happen like this, you have my boyfriend and I at some kind of a distance?  Understand, I wasn't expecting an answer.  I was just being real where I was in the midst of my struggles.  However, immediatley, I sensed the Lord telling me,

"I AM ENOUGH." 

The Lord is mighty enough to carry me through this time, and would hold me in His arms.  I needed to depend on Him FULLY.   He is ENOUGH! 

It was a journey of struggles and emotions (some of that got complicated by other situations going on in my life)...

I struggled with fear - the biggest most daunting, make you sick to your stomach fear - that something was going to happen to my dad on the operating table on Monday and he wouldn't make it.  I wanted with all my heart to go be in the presence of my dad that weekend, to be there in the hospital, to be there in recovery, to be there when he was dismissed.  I needed to be with my dad.  I needed to be with my family. 

I was needed...or was I?  What did God need from me had to become my question, and my prayer of surrender.  I felt like a war was going on inside me - go or don't go.  Living on an intern income for a year, and now starting a second year, I don't have a lot of money to live on, much less to buy an airplane ticket "on the spot."  This was a big struggle for me, because I don't want money to ever stand in the way of my family.  My boyfriend and I talked that night, and he encouraged me to pray for a peace from the Lord one way or another that I would know if I was to fly back (Got to LOVE a man who points me to the Lord!!).  He reminded me I'd done this 5 months ago when my dad had his mini-stroke, and the Lord was faithful to answer and give me a peace about staying in Denver and being "on call" with my family.  I prayed for this peace again.  It was answered at 11:37pm when Southwest airline tickets went up.  I'm a Southwest girl, I love that airline!  I thought I knew their system - when prices went up, went they went down - days, times, etc.  For no apparent reason at the oddest time (it's NOT midnight where I am or anywhere in fact) - the prices changed...all of them.  And it changed to a price that I could not afford on my little income of an intern at a homeless shelter.  At 11:37pm - seeing the prices, I knew.  I knew I was staying.  I knew my role was to be a prayer warrior.

And so I did.  And my dad came through surgery ALIVE!!!  Praise the Lord!!  They found cancer in his thyroid and in 17 of the 32 lymph nodes they removed.  The journey isn't over yet...but it's one I'm on with him, as we join the Lord on this plan He has for my dad's life.

My heart still LONGED to be in the presence of my father.  However, I needed to be in the presence of my father - my Heavenly Father - to journey with Him and learn

THE LORD IS E.N.O.U.G.H.!!

One Year

Today marks one year of working for Denver Rescue Mission and Save Our Youth!  It's been quite the journey these past 365 days.  I remember the morning of day two, waking up and thinking one day down, only 364 days left.  At some point I stopped counting.  And then at some point, I started counting how many weeks left - knowing I had a year contract and not knowing what was going to happen at the end of the year with me or with the youth mentoring.

I want to thank the MANY people who have prayed, encouraged, supported, cared for, laughed, cried, listened, shared wisdom, walked beside me as I grew, were patient even when I didn't deserve it, forgave, loved, ... and probably many other things I can't even think of!  To those select people (you know who you are) that helped me and let me cry on the phone with them in the first three months - a very special thank you!

Here is my top ten list of highlights of my job:

10.  Being back in professional ministry
9.  Falling in love with my job, and finding myself wanting to (rightly) fight for the mentors, mentees, and the job position itself (even in the messy times).
8.  Learning all about boundaries - a MUST when you work AND live in the same place...though I still have a lot to learn!
7.  Learning to become my own advocate
6.  Watching the youth mentoring explode
5.  Being blessed with incredible mentors who love our at-risk (and sometimes difficult to love) kiddos!
4.  Being asked over and over and over - "Miss Sarah when am I going to get my mentor?"  All because these kids are EXCITED to have a mentor and WANT a positive influence in their life! And then I get to match them - all because God provided the exact mentor for them!!
3.  Having supervisors who are proactive at caring for you in preventing burnout
2.  Learning to live simply - required when you are living on an intern income and still have bills to pay!
1.  Meeting great people, especially my boyfriend (who also works for DRM)!! :)


It's not been the easiest, walk in the park, piece of cake year!  It has been a year of extreme growth in many ways!  I'm so thankful the Lord has brought me to Denver!  It was a huge step of faith, but one I'm glad I took!

I celebrated today with my Save Our Youth family by sharing donuts - thanking God for the wonderful blessing of my job, and the many blessings of lessons, friendships, and deeper faith in this one year!

Struggle: Control

The last post on the struggles - that I originally started in May.  Thanks for being patient in my getting these posted!


Again, keep in mind - this is from May...


Hi!  My name is Sarah and I am a control freak!  :)  Yes, I like to be in control of things!  I really like to be in control of my life!  Oh how this is coming out so much right now!  Since October, I have been working at a job that was to only be for a year.  When I came into the job, the previous year had been slow for the ministry.  However, God has brought about lots of blessings and the ministry has grown!  In fact, it has grown so much that the "higher ups" are recognizing something needs to be done, that some changes are required.  Well, these changes not only affect the ministry but also my job - which means me!  We originally had discussions in March.  They asked me some direct questions, I shared my heart.  In the end, it was decided a meeting would need to be held between the "high higher ups" of both organizations I work for.  Awesome!  Sounds good to me!  Two months later...um...how about those meetings???  I wait.  And wait.  Seems to be God thinks I need to learn yet another lesson in patience.  Seriously?  Ugh. 


But I just want these people to meet and to decide...


I think it's fair to feel this way.  After all, it is my future here...and to know whether I need to start the process of job searching soon or not.  With the job market the way it is, not to mention looking for a ministry position, I need time to find a new job before I'm without a job...and income to pay my basic bills.  Oh yes, and since I live where I work...I would be without a place to live.  


I struggle with wanting to control things, of wanting to have a meeting with everyone.  I also struggle with these "high higher ups" making a decision about the ministry and it affecting me, without them even having the chance to know me or to hear the stories of changed lives through the ministry. You can look at all the numbers you want on a spreadsheet (Which if you do, you will see the numbers have doubled.), but without hearing the heart behind everything - can you make the right decision?  


I want to schedule the meeting...with me there to share my heart!


And then I have to realize - who really is in control of all this?  Is it me?  No.  I'm fully aware that God has blessed this ministry, so I need to be fully aware that God is in control of the decisions on the future of the ministry and my job situation!  


I need to trust Him...fully...period.

Struggle: Let Down

**It's been a LONG time since I wrote.  I started the promised posts...and never got them on here!  I want to be a woman of my word, so here is one of the posts I promised on the struggles I was going through as I last blogged about in May.)**


We all experience it - the let down of other people in our life.  It's particularly hard when it's people we are close to, or we look up to.  For me, one of the hardest areas is people in positions of leadership in ministry.  Maybe I put these people on a pedestal.  Or maybe it's because God's standards for leaders is higher than those not in leadership, and I wonder did they not take these seriously?  Perhaps it's because I'm just grieved at this person's sins and flat out decisions.  Whatever the reason, I know it's very hard for me to watch several people and ministry be affected because a person didn't want to fully follow and honor the Lord with all their heart.


In the last few weeks (keep in mind - the month of May), I have had to cope with the let down of a friend who is also in a leadership position in ministry.  The decisions she made have affected her ministry, and so many people including me.  I find myself questioning aspects of our friendship including just the foundation of our friendship, what I could have done to better reach out to her, and what caused all this to happen that she wasn't wiling to turn the other way?  I realize she alone is accountable for her actions, and I can't blame myself.  However, it's hard to watch so many people being shaken by the situation.  It's hard to watch the whole ministry God had blessed her with take such a great big hit.  It's hard to watch her be happy, when there are so many of us in pain and grieving the losses.


For me, it has brought out areas of needing to be healed with my most recent let down of church leadership.  Wow.  I can't even explain that one still.  I do know that my struggle with church I wrote about in my last blog has a lot to do with this situation.  I want to corporately worship the Lord, yet do I trust church leadership?  How do I know if I can?  I wanted to keep myself at a distance from them as well, because being close to them before brought an intense level of pain.  I'm thankful for the sweet times with the Lord in the midst of the pain, and for the ways He has drawn me close to Him and healed me. Yet, I find myself realizing now, that perhaps there are ways I'm still impacted and areas that still need healed.


Of course, this whole topic isn't completely new to me.  Three months after graduating from seminary, I started my first full-time ministry position.  Praise the Lord for this!  I loved the ministry opportunities the Lord provided!  Over time, some changes were made.  In those changes, brought specific events. While the Lord was doing (and continues to do today) great things through the church, there was a situation going on that few knew about.  I was in a new town, with the only people I knew all connected to the church.  I wasn't going to let people know what was happening because I didn't want to bad mouth the person or the church.  However, a friend of mine who lived in another state finally got me to open up...after I had ended up internalizing everything and ending up with several doctors diagnosing my new medical issues as the cause of stress.  Within a few weeks, the Lord was leading me to let go of what I wanted to hold onto so badly and resign.  Recognizing it wasn't a healthy situation for me, I had to.  I spent the next few months intentionally allowing the Lord to heal me.  This wasn't an area I had learned about in seminary, not even in my counseling classes.  I wasn't prepared for this let down.  When people asked why I resigned, I always stated the surface level reason.  I never fully explained...only to a handful of people over the years have I told.


It would be really easy to become bitter towards church, towards God, towards these people, and even towards people in leadership roles in ministry.  However, I don't want to walk down that ugly road.  I know that God has reasons for why all this has happened. I know God still desires to be glorified in the midst.  I realize and WANT to allow this hurt in my life to be turned around and used for good, perhaps to minister and encourage those who have and are experiencing the same situation.  For me, these are the people who can easily hurt me the most, but I think so much of that has to do with my heart's passion for ministry.  


It also leaves me with these big questions - What am I doing today that is hurting those around me?  As a person in ministry, how am I hurting those whom God has me directly ministering to?  Are there things I'm doing that hurt or let down even those whom I don't directly minister to?  


I'm no better than the people in my life I've been hurt by, because I myself can easily hurt others around me, even without realizing it.  It's a great reminder to examine my own life, and to make changes in myself so I can better serve the Lord and others.  It's also a great picture of the need we have for forgiveness.

Struggle: Church

It's been a LONG time since I wrote.  I started the promised posts...and never got them on here!  I want to be a woman of my word, so here is one of the posts I promised on the struggles I was going through as I last blogged about in May.)


Written in May:
My biggest struggle right now is church.  It's hard to even write that sentence or admit it to anyone, even myself.  In my attempt to figure out why I have this struggle, this is what I have found:

1.)  For the first time in 31 years, I don't know the pastors at my church.  In fact, I don't know anyone on staff at the church.

2.)  I am not plugged in at my church, aside from a small group.  If it wasn't for my small group, I would feel even more lost and disconnected from the church.

3.)  I have a passion for ministry and gifts, and they aren't being used at church.  I have tried for months to get connected...with no result back from the church.

4.)  Other than three family members I go to church with, I don't know anyone. (Most of my small group goes to the evening service.)

5.)  I found that due to my small intern stipend combined with increased gas prices, I was running out of gas money in my budget to even get to church.  This got complicated when my car was broken and not drivable.  When I looked up public transportation to get to church, I would need to leave on Saturday afternoon, arriving late Saturday afternoon and have to camp out on the church property, just so I could get to a Sunday morning service.  Even to get to my cousin's house so I could ride with them, brought complications with public transportation.  This also meant that in order to get more involved at church would mean driving more, which meant more gas money needed in the budget, which I didn't have.

6.)  Reflecting back, I realize when I first moved, that I allowed myself to make decisions based on the fact I would only be here for a year.  My job is only for a year, and who knows after that time, where I will be living and working.

7.)  I love the Lord, I want to worship the Lord corporately, I want to grow in my faith, I desire to serve the Lord and others in the context of the church.

All of this left me going before the Lord in prayer, seeking Him in the midst of this struggle and wondering...where is God leading me on the path in this journey?

Realness

Lets face it – we all want to be understood, for people to get us, to not be put in a box, to not be judged, etc.  If we want this, it seems a simple solution would be to give people the chance to know us.  However, this means taking a risk and being real.  It means be authentic with those around us, willing to take off the “mask.”

What does it mean to be real?  Perhaps it means I embrace exactly how God created me and embrace what is going on in my life – both good and bad, that I don’t hide.  I think it also means being completely real with those close “core” friends and family, but also my being real with those God has put around me.  In other words, if someone asks how I’m doing and it’s not been a great day – I tell them it’s not been a great day rather than tell them I’m good.  It means sharing what God is doing in my life, even if I’m in the midst of a stormy time.

About a year ago, this topic was heavy on my heart and mind.  There had been a situation with close friends where I questioned – were people real with each other?  I didn’t know if they were and didn’t know if they hadn’t been.  I just knew these friends were hurting and had been and yet questioned where had I missed the signs they had been struggling.  I dealt with feelings of guilt, thinking I hadn’t been a good friend because I’d missed all the warning signs of people not doing well.  It was a deep rooted question I was struggling with as an outcome of the situation. 

I feel one of the best places we hide is at church and within the church body.  I’ve done it.  I question if we as a church were real with one another, would situations like we encountered last year have happened?  Why do we feel we have to “have it all together” when we enter the doors of the church building for any reason?  After all, God knows we don’t have it all together.  Oh, and just for the record – every one of us is a sinner.  I still can’t help but have the “what if” we as a church felt the Body of Christ was a safe place to be real in…would things have been different?  What does the church body do if we don’t say life is going awesome and we are struggling with something?  Why is there this “we have to be perfect” mentality within the body of believers?  Do we really get that we aren’t perfect – ONLY God is! 

In the past few days, I’ve been struggling with feelings of being betrayed and lied to…by someone I was friends with for the past several months.  She is a sister in Christ, we’ve served the Lord together, we’ve cried and celebrated together.  But then…I find out a big secret of life.  In that secret comes the feelings of being betrayed and lied to, and now our friendship and even the community around us are broken.  My heart is broken, my heart grieves in so many ways.  I find myself again wondering – what if this friend had been real?  Would that have changed the situation, no.  However, it would have not had the shattered effect on the friendship or community that it seems to have now.  While God can heal and restore, I do believe it could’ve been prevented…in many ways.

I find myself again facing the question – what does it mean to be real?  How does that look?  I can’t change the church, I can’t change the world, but I can change myself.  I can model how the Lord wants me to be real with those around me. 

About a week and a half ago, I was real with a group of close friends.  After that time, some of these friends shared words of encouragement but also words of realness in their own life.  A bond that I felt was missing something was found again being tightened.  The distance I felt, had been removed by this mutual sharing and bonding and creating a deeper friendship.  It’s a risk, but one I’m glad I took!

Learning to be real in the good times of life is easy.  It’s being real in the tough times of life that is a lesson for me, and a journey I’m on.  Tonight my boyfriend and I were planning to have dinner with two close friends of mine and people who I’m blessed God has put into my life.  Having had a rough week (or almost two weeks now), a part of me wanted to cancel our dinner.  I wanted to hide – from all three people.  I wanted to just be alone.  However, I knew I needed to go and be honest, even if it meant crying (or even sobbing) with the fact I’m not in a good spot.  It was refreshing to share, to cry, to be honest, to be asked questions, to hear perspectives other than my own, to be accepted despite not having it all together, to be loved unconditionally, to be able to crash and yet have friends who were my crash pads, and in the midst of our conversation they continaully point me to the Lord. 

It’s a journey – of being real despite the struggles.  And so, I’m devoting the next few blogs to sharing those struggles.  My heart’s desire and prayer is that even one person will be encouraged to know they are not alone (or weird, or wrong), and that God will be able to use my story to minister to others in ways I couldn’t do but through this blog.

Mother's Day Surprise!

On Mother's Day, I got quite the nice surprise from my church (www.redrockschurch.com)!  I wanted to share a picture of the special gift and share a little why it meant SO MUCH!

The children's ministry gave all their volunteers a rose for mother's day - whether they are mothers or want to some day be mothers.  The Children's Ministry Director even told us single ladies - "Happy Future Mother's Day!"  

I've been struggling with "church."  There's a lot behind that one sentence, but I'll just mention as it relates to this blog, I've been struggling with feeling connected or belonging to my church.  This has led me to questioning if I should stay or look for a new church.  There are may reasons why I feel this way.  

However, on this particular Sunday it seemed God had the answer to my many prayers.  Earlier in the week, my church had sent the weekly email, including announcements.  One announcement was asking for volunteers to give moms a day off of serving in the Preschool Room.  So, I decided I'd volunteer.  After all, I really miss spending time with little kids (I work with kids ages 3-18), and had free time that day since I wouldn't be with my mom celebrating (other than a phone call).  I *SUPER* enjoyed the day in the 1 year old room!!!  Sure, every kid cried at some point in the morning.  There were runny noses, and a dirty diaper.  I had a kid who cried every two minutes and didn't want to leave my side.  I would get him calmed down and playing, then two minutes later would realize where he was and start crying...and so our process of calming down and playing would start over...and continue until his dad came to get the poor kid.  Such is the life of a 1 year old!  I loved every minute of it!  It was great to actually serve in my church somehow!   

A special extra bonus was a church who celebrates Mothers Day by even making hopeful future mothers feel special too!  I've never experienced this in my life.  In recent years, Mother's Day has been a really hard day for me.  This year was a first, a day of complete happiness and contentment.  It was a day of celebrating! 

To the mom whose place I took in the one year old room:  THANK YOU!  You may think you were blessed by having the day off, but I just want to say thank you for the opportunity to be blessed by serving at Red Rocks and with these cute kiddos!  

Miracles

How often do I miss opportunities God wants to BLESS my socks off, all because I don't prayerfully ask the Lord?

Leaving a job that had good health insurance (benefits of working at a hospital) for an internship that has no health insurance, nor an income that would allow money in the budget to go to the doctor was a struggle of mine.  Over the past seven years, I racked up quite a large amount of medical bills.  As I struggled with this factor before even applying for the job (and even after), I knew the Lord was asking me to TRUST HIM.  It would require A STEP OF FAITH, and to watch GOD PROVIDE in ways I wouldn't even imagine.  I felt more like it was a LEAP of faith.  It's kind of like jumping off a cliff.  It involved risk. It involved me not having control, or knowing what the plan would be "just in case."

After being sick the past two and a half weeks, I realized how sick I really was.  While my voice was back somewhat (I lost it completely for two days), I could tell I wasn't getting any better.  I also was only sleeping about 3 hours a night because I was up coughing so much.  I knew something needed to be done.  BUT WHAT WAS I TO DO??  I had no idea where to find a doctor whom wouldn't mind I don't have health insurance, much less where to even start finding a doctor in the big city.  Of course, HOW was I going to pay for the doctor when my intern stipend is barely able to cover my fixed expenses?  I PRAYED AND PRAYED HARD and prayed for the Lord's help to not worry about the finances.  The Lord brought two people to me - one offering help financially and info on their doctor office and the other offering a doctor office who works on a sliding scale with people without health insurance.  I was ready to call both places...until...I sensed I needed to call my doctor office in my old town and see if there was anything they could do for me.  I didn't want to take advantage of anything, but knew I needed help and I needed to ask for help.  This is HARD for me to do!  I called the next morning and talked with the nurse.  After talking to the doctor, she called me to say while they suggest I find a doctor in the area for the future, they would call in a prescription for a ZPack!  PRAISE THE LORD!  I was so excited that I wouldn't have to pay to go to the doctor office, that was a huge financial help!  MIRACLE #1!!!

Of course, now I would have to pay for the prescription.  I reminded myself that at least I didn't have to pay for the doctor, so I could breathe a little!  I still struggled though.  I sensed the Lord telling me, "PRAY FOR A MIRACLE at the Target pharmacy."  My response?  I questioned - "Seriously, a miracle at the pharmacy?  It's not like Target runs prescription specials in their weekly ad."  "Pray for a miracle at the Target pharmacy."  However, I had no reason not to, so I did, while also wondering what kind of miracle would occur.  I prayed all afternoon!  I even posted on facebook that I was praying for a miracle at the Target Pharmacy!  I got to Target to pick up the prescription and was asked if I had health insurance.  I told him no and braced myself for what was to come, thinking it would be a high total of around $80 (I have a vague memory of paying that much for a ZPack before.).  The pharmacist told me to hold on a minute, he would put me in a financial program that would help save me at least a few pennies in my pocket.  Our conversation turned to an opportunity to share about my internship.  He came back to the counter with the new printout, and proceeded to tell me "It was $29.49 but after putting you in that program, the cost is now $14.30!  Um....wh-what???  I was so shocked!  After paying and turning around to leave, I had tears wanting to form in my eyes.  I can't tell you the LOVE OF THE LORD I felt in that moment...words still aren't found to describe what it was like.  I wanted to sit and cry in amazement, and just soak in the moment.  I also wanted to cry, knowing that in my hands I held a hope that I would soon be feeling better.  It's been a long road of feeling sick, having absolutely no energy, and yet trying my best to continue working and meeting all the needs with of job and even working over 40 hours each of the past two weeks.  I chose not to cry, though.  Besides having a work appointment I needed to get to and keep my composure for, I honestly also didn't have an ounce of energy to spend on crying.  I was just in complete shock that the final cost was something that somehow, in some way would be more manageable financially!  I was in shock, at the Lord's great work right there at the Target Pharmacy!  MIRACLE #2!!!

Do I realize how GREAT God really is?

My New Look!

I finally did something I’ve wanted to do for a long time!!!

My new look!

Yes, I pierced my nose! 

For some people this makes them excited, others it comes as a shock, there are those whom aren’t surprised, and for others I know they will not be happy with me.  There seems to be a question some people have (for whatever reason) – WHY?  Well, thanks for asking!  Please let me share!

My entire life, I have spent a lot of time, energy, and emotion into doing what others want, trying to live up to their expectations, or even living in fear of what others would think about me/say/etc.  It’s been just over a year of trying to break this habit or issue.  My heart desires to live my life according to what the Lord wants for me. It’s a journey, and one that days I feel I’ve made steps of progress, while others I’ll see how much of a battle it still is.

For some reason there has been a stereotype or judgment on girls who pierce their nose.  I was ready to break that, or maybe a better way is to say ready to bridge the gap.  I wanted to let people know that just because a girl has her nose pierced doesn’t mean she doesn’t love the Lord!

I also wanted it to be a remembrance to people (including myself) that there is so much more to a person than what we see on the outside, or even perceive to be on their inside.  So many people view me as “the innocent girl.”  Don’t get me wrong, there’s something good about being known as innocent.  However, I also feel there is more to me than just that.  I have a story…we all do.  However, do we take the time to get to know a person, to truly know a person…or do we just put them in the box of how we want them to be for us and leave it at that?  If we do get to know them, do we judge them by what they tell us or what they’ve done…or do we love them as Christ loves them and commands us to do as well? 

I realize some people reading this might think that if I really didn’t care what others thought, I wouldn’t be writing this.  In actuality, I wanted to answer the resounding “WHY” question and to share the journey God has me on.  It’s a journey, but one I will take with my nose now pierced and glad it is because…well I think it looks cute!


Here are some more pictures of the evening:

It didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would!

Yes, I kept my eyes closed the whole time!

"A-MAZING Retreat"

Sometimes living where you work can have some DEFINITE advantages.  The biggest advantage is being able to get to know the families (especially the children) in a different way.  There’s also the obvious ones of not having to get up as early, cuts down on the fuel budget, if you forget something you just run back down the hall, and of course not having to deal with traffic or weather issues!   There is also the community that comes with living with other interns, that otherwise we’d miss out on!  These are just a few advantages.

However, sometimes there are disadvantages to living where you work.  You might find us interns saying “I can’t go anywhere and be by myself.”  Or lately, you might find me wanting to change my name instantaneously because I don’t want to work or answer questions while I’m eating dinner with the families, or trying to use the computer after hours, or trying to get out the door to go somewhere.   My least favorite disadvantage is not being able to cook, or eat things I’d prefer.  Sometimes in fact, I look at salad and just feel sick of being offered salad every meal.  I also miss having a couch to sit on.  I have yet to find one in the entire building.

A few weeks ago, I hit a “spot.”  I started to feel trapped in my home, like I was in this box that was shrinking.  I missed cooking, baking/cooking for others, having a yard to mow, a house to clean, being able to rearrange furniture, or even having a couch to sit on.  While I was in this “spot,” I also was able to learn a lot, and question a lot about how God created me, the gifts He’s blessed me with, and how those can be used in both negative and positive ways.

And then…my friends J&J called to ask if I could house/fish sit for them!  They wanted to know if I wanted a little retreat for the weekend at their house.  Um, hello of course I do!!  Fantastic!  What’s interesting, they didn’t even know the struggles I was having of being in “the spot.”  What a blessing to see God’s love as He met me in the midst of my struggles through my good friends!

So, I went to their apartment two weekends ago, and had an A-MAZING time!   Here’s a recap:

Friday night I watched McCleod's Daughters (http://mcleodsdaughters.ninemsn.com.au/) while sitting on a couch.  I also baked muffins to take the next morning for the kiddos at work.  

Yes, I had to go to work Saturday morning, but it was only for 2 hours for Kids Rec!  What a joy to bake for others, and especially for my kids!  They enjoyed the muffins!

(The Bronco Youth Center @ The Crossing)

That afternoon I went grocery shopping...

(You can see a glimpse of the Turbo swimming in his bowl in this pic too!)

I went for a bike ride, with the added bonus of looking at the mountains...

It actually rained, and so I danced in it...

(Notice the wetness on the metal - YES that is from RAIN!  I miss the rain!)

I enjoyed making dinner of a yummy salad of things I really like and my own salad dressing...

Courtesy of my old roomie/good friend's wisdom, I enjoyed a great snack while watching movies...

My yummy breakfast (That I didn't have to wake up early for!)...

(Along with drinking from a mug & glass of two of my favorite places!)

Of course, I also read a lot...

I worked on knitting projects throughout the whole weekend...

Best of all, I enjoyed COMPLETE SILENCE!!!  

By the time my extended weekend (thanks to President's Day) was over, I was ready to go back to The Crossing, both to live and work. 

Thank you so much to my good friends J&J for the wonderful weekend retreat!  Words cannot express how much I am grateful for the time away at your place!  Thank you for helping make "The A-MAZING Retreat" possible! 

God's Love

I’ve recently been praying for clear direction on God’s plan on some things, and praying my desires and plans would be removed.   Through this time, I admit I’ve questioned how to discern the Lord’s presence or leading in my life.  I don’t know if I can even put into words what I mean by that…but let me share a story of how God answered these prayers in a big way…

Some of my friends call me “Martha” because I LOVE being domestic, especially cooking and baking!  I knew going into my job, that for the year I wouldn’t have a kitchen to cook or bake.   There is a toaster, microwave, and toaster oven in the cafeteria that residents (and us interns) can use.  I’m amazed at some creations people have used the toaster oven for, and really wanted to try to learn.  However, I kind of forgot about the toaster oven and wanting to bake in it, mainly because on an interns income (or lack thereof) buying a toaster oven pan was not a higher priority than necessities like shampoo.  So, I’m learning to be content, and grateful for the cafeteria food.   However, I’ve been having a REALLY HARD time lately not being able to cook or bake.  I find myself longing for a kitchen! 

Well, last weekend my cousin wanted to take me and my 2^nd cousin’s girlfriend shopping.  We went to a mall with Crate and Barrel, my favorite store!  I know Crate and Barrel is at this mall, but didn’t think anything about it….until we were near the store and I just sensed I needed to go in. 

Now, let me take a moment to explain that two weeks before, after church I passed by a Pier One, another store I really like (the merchandise but not the prices!).  I haven’t been to Pier One for a REALLY long time, so I thought I’d stop by and take it in (not buy anything) as I had time to kill.  As I pulled into the parking lot, I could hear Pastor Shawn’s words during the sermon “Flee Temptation.”   Oh, but really…I was going to leave my purse in the car and just look.  “FLEE TEMPTATION” came again.  So, I did a u-turn in the parking lot and drove away from temptation.

However, this day God had a different plan and purpose.

So back, to Crate and Barrel.  I asked if they minded if we went to Crate and Barrel real fast.  You have to realize though, I had NO reason to go in that store.  For those who’ve never been, C&B sells home stuff.  I have NO NEED for any of that stuff right now, nor anywhere to store it…much less money (again shampoo ranks higher).  However, I really sensed I should go.  As we walked toward the store, I remember a passing thought of “I wonder if they’ll have anything for a toaster oven."

The three of us went in the store, and walked around looking at a few items.  I remember asking if we could go to the back area of the store, but I really had no idea why.  All of a sudden, I had this idea that I should buy something for myself for Valentine’s Day (which by the way, I don’t even like V-day but that’s a whole different topic).  Not that I have to have something tangible to look at to know God loves me, but I wanted something I could look at and be reminded of God’s extreme love for me in a BIG way.  I wanted it to be practical.  My cousin laughed as I headed straight for the kitchen section!  Of course, because that is ME!  I picked out a small cutting board, one thing we could use in our room (cutting things in your hand is a little tricky!).  Just then, an employee walked by and I found myself asking if they had any dishes that could be used in a toaster oven.  I don't even know where the idea came from.  She took me to the porcelain dishes, and showed me a few that could work.  All of a sudden, she told me they also have a toaster oven set, and it’s on sale (bonus!).  We walked over to another area, and there it was – 

SWEET!!!!  It’s a Toaster Oven set with a cooling rack, cookie sheet, brownie cake pan, and cupcake pan (which was the decision maker for me because I love making cupcakes)!!!!

(Easter cupcakes I made last year.)

To top it off, it was on sale for a price I could manage!!  I was so excited!!!  I felt like I could run 10 miles, I was so happy!!  Now I can be more of who I am, who God created me to be!  I can now cook and bake!  I can have some sanity back for the next 7 months while still living at The Crossing! 

I realized I was able to sense the Lord’s leading in multiple ways, His provision in helping me be who He created me to be, and His love pouring out to me!  More than that, I now see, I just need to relax, trust God knows what I need and when, and He will direct…I just need to be ready and continue to walk in faith and obedience!

Who Am I?

IN CHRIST

I AM ACCEPTED:

I am God’s child. (John 1:12)

I am Christ’s friend. (John 15:15)

I have been justified. (Romans 5:1)

I am united with the Lord, and I am one spirit with Him. (I Corinthians 6:17)

I have been bought with a price.  I belong to God.  (I Corinthians 6:19, 20)

I am a member of Christ’s body. (I Corinthians 12:27)

I am a saint.  (Ephesians 1:1)

I have been adopted as God’s child. (Ephesians 1:5)

I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit.  (Ephesians 2:18)

I have been redeemed and forgive of all my sins.  (Colossians 1:14)

I am complete in Christ.  (Colossians 2:10)

I AM SECURE:

I am free forever from condemnation. (Romans 8:1,2)

I am assured that all things work together for good.  (Romans 8:28)

I am free from any condemning charges against me.  (Romans 8:31f)

I cannot be separated from the love of God.  (Romans 8:35f)

I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. (2 Corinthians 1:21, 22)

I am hidden with Christ in God.  (Colossians 3:3)

I am confidant that the good work that God has begun in me will be perfected.

(Philippians 1:6)               

I am a citizen of heaven.  (Philippians 3:20)

I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. 

              (2 Timothy 1:7)

I can find grace and mercy in time of need.  (Hebrews 4:16)

I am born of God, and the evil one cannot teach me.  (1 John 5:18)

I AM SIGNIFICANT:

I am the salt and light of the earth.  (Matthew 5:13, 14)

I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life.  (John 15:1, 5)

I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.  (John 15:16)

I am a personal witness of Christ’s.  (Acts 1:8)

I am God’s temple.  (1 Corinthians 3:16)

I am a minister of reconciliation for God.  (2 Corinthians 5:17f)

I am God’s coworker.  (1 Corinthians 3:9, 2 Corinthians 6:1)

I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm.  (Ephesians 2:6)

I am God’s workmanship.  (Ephesians 2:10)

I may approach God with freedom and confidence.  (Ephesians 3:12)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  (Philippians 4:13)